Alan's abuse story

Alan was a little boy from a regular middle-class family in London. He was the first-born and his birth was not intended since his parents were not married…!

Alan’s mother a house-maid had a wish, she wanted a child and get married to her mate David who was a businessman from a higher up, well to-do family.

Hence Alan’s birth was also a means to an end…Alan’s mother Rebecca wanted to settle down with her mate and get married and raise that child.

Alan’s mother hid her pregnancy and only when she was 6 months pregnant she decided to disclose her state to David.

David’s family strongly opposed his relation with Becca and he had to stand up and responsibly opposed his family… They eventually got married few days before (20) Becca gave birth to Alan.

In a melodramatic way, David announced that she would give birth to another child one year after…his child!

The tone had been set from day one…Alan wasn’t his father’s child... he was her mother’s!

14 months later Becca gave birth to Peter.

When Peter was born, Alan was removed from his home and sent to some relatives. He came back 6 months later to find that there was a new kid on the block…his new born brother who took his place in her mother’s affection and attention.

From that day on Alan began to feel that he was in the wrong location on the wrong movie.

He was often abused by his father who made him feel like trash, undesired and unloved…except by his mother who diligently tried to make up for him although she had to divide her attention between Peter and Alan.

Until this day Alan still feels that he must gain attention to compete for his father’s love and care.

Alan’s a loving father and husband, a succeeded solicitor and mediator but he still feels the hard burden of the abuse he suffered when he was a toddler and later a teenager.

He came to my office a while ago because he had a community quarrel within his estate, with one of his neighbours.

He told me that this man had been unkind to him and said that he was a stuck up stiff nosed manipulator.

Alan felt that inconsiderate and unfair because he always treated his neighbours very politely and always gave in when his opinion was contested.

He told me that he was in arrears in his estate’s fees because he wanted to tease that man who happened to be the estate’s administrator, so that he had to beg him apology before he paid.

It was clear to me that Alan was manipulating the situation because he deeply needed attention and gratification.

The kind of thing that his father denied him when he was a boy.

Being a solicitor he knew that he couldn’t avoid paying and soon or later he would be sued but he wouldn’t concede because he felt that he was owed an excuse.

Knowing his background and the inception of the problem I tried to show Alan that his problem was not so much his neighbour but rather with his past and…with his father.

I reasoned with him and tried to have him change his attitude towards a more constructive non-violent and non-blaming tone of communication holding responsibility for his actions.

He soon realised that he was behaving the way he used to when his father abused him emotionally and made him feel un-worthy.

In a short time period, he eventually began feeling more self-confident and whole in his day-to-day and felt that he had a power and fulfilment he had never experienced before, because he was no longer trying to make everyone around him to love him or respect him since people actually respected him a lot for what he was and that was a lot more than what he had ever realised!

#abuse #Abuso #Mediação #Sensibilização #Peaceful #Mediation #Família